Buddhist Kohn

"I think human beings are poised between two terrors. One is to be known and the other is not to be known. And each of them presents real fear, there is a sense of horrible loneliness, of being completely bereft if you are never really known - not the face that you present, but who you really are. On the other hand, there are times in which the idea of being known, at least by certain people, is equally frightening. The vulnerability it implies is also scary." - Katherine Harrison

On Christmas, my brother told a lynching joke about our president, as told to him from someone in (surprise) Tennessee. Buddhist kohn.

Quick thing.

I would give Jonathan Safran-Foer all of my possessions. I understand idol worship. Thank you.

This is real and wonderful.

Of all the possible luxuries a palate can indulge, eau de vie is my and my husband’s favorite, in particular for the reasons you describe: unless you’re a raving alcoholic, it’s almost always enjoyed with the most adventurous people. While we’ve had many lovely after-dinner digestives, we’ve also shared a 10 a.m. swig with a farmer in Slovenia, a late afternoon glass of homemade eau de vie de poire with a Polish shepherd in the Carpathians, and something resembling plum eau de vie from a gerry can offered to us by some locals atop a mountain in Croatia. We’ve enjoyed the more delicate French Poire William as well, and I’m almost on my last serving of an apricot Palinka I brought home from Hungary. The essence of apricot is so clear after the heat of the brandy, I can barely stand to drink the last drop.

I do wish the virtues of eau de vie were more appreciated here. We often offer it to friends who turn their noses away at its strength. I looked for your Douglas Fir variety after reading about it a few years ago; when I couldn’t find it, I bought Zirbenz, a stone pine liqueur from Austria. Not nearly the same, I’m sure. I’ll search again, and many thanks in advance for whatever adventures the bottle attracts.

— Debra, in response to “The Pursuit and Pleasures of the Pure Spirit”

FYI

I just wanted to go ahead and update you on the emotional status or what have you. I noticed you were wondering if I had any feelings or anything, and I just wanted to go ahead and reassure you that I don't, and we can just go from there. Prior to this point, I noticed I was having "emotions" and so forth here and there on occasion, but we can just cap that off and so forth, and move forward with a clean slate. I'm really looking forward to a collaboration or relationship or sitting in a room, whatever the case may be, insofar as I can look forward to something in my current state, without having real opinions, and so forth. Pleasure meeting you, looking forward to doing business with you, as I previously stated, with the aforementioned caveats. Best, Herman.

Holidays with the family

Thank you for understanding that I only like half of you and that it is okay for me to just ignore the rest of you. That makes it so much easier on everyone. Okay, well, on me.

I understand

Oooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I get it! Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I see! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

It is very clear now. Thank you.

Well,

Yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong yong.

Otherwise, everything is fine.

Are you okay?

Now that I'm drunk I can finally come clean. I was going to tell you I was gone on Friday, but I didn't want to hurt your feelings. I was going to tell you I bombed your house and took your car, but I didn't want to hurt your feelings. I wanted to tell you I'm the reason you're in this jail, but I didn't want you to think I'd betrayed you and then you'd get your feelings hurt, I know you are sensitive. I was going to tell you you'll be here for the duration of your life, but I didn't want to hurt your feelings. I didn't want to tell you all at once, because I know it's probably hurting your feelings. You are too sensitive.

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- From Craig's List.

The Break Up

He thought he was dumping her but she said the words first. She thought he was going to propose to her but quickly realized it was going in the wrong direction and, being competitive, beat him to the punch line. He was confused. She was angry and confused. He looked at the ground and she imagined how she was going to call her friend and yell while drinking a glass of wine. Or can you call it a glass when it is over 8 ounces? He suddenly wished he hadn't opened up the can of "I don't love you" worms. She tried to think of everything hurtful she could say "I hope we can still be Face book Friends." "I hope you will still follow me on Twitter" " I'm guess I"m most upset that I can't borrow your brown sweater anymore" " I figured you would want to break up with me too since you could never please me sexually. Has that been a problem in all your relationships?" "Now my parents will stop worrying about my future."It worked perfectly. He was cut to the quick. With out realizing she had made it easier on him (he didn't have to take the blame for the break up and he now felt glad that he wasn't with such a bitch) and worse on herself (she ended a relationship when she was still in love with said male and she said lies that hurt said male). It was the break up. It was all wrong. It was not the end of any new beginning for her or weight lose program or freeing herself to meet Mr. right. It was just an ugly messy break up. If it had been a bone, say her femur, she would have needed to visit the OR before getting the cast on. Some doctor would have needed top stick the shattered bone back inside or maybe file down the rough points or stop the internal bleeding. Either way it was messy and would require a pretty massive copay.

When she went home the wine had gone bad and her friend wasn't home.

Well rounded

Did you ever notice how well rounded I am? Because, I mean, I am so well rounded that I just roll down the street if there is any sort of incline. I cant sit in a chair that is tilted because I'm so perfectly round. I have no hard edges at all anywhere. My interests are so diverse that everyone and everything can relate to me. I do not get stuck in a rut because I just roll right out.
You might think I'm a ball after all. I'm not. I'm just a really really well rounded person.

Ahem.

I refuse to admit to anything I like. Additionally: anything I dislike.

As far as we can all be concerned: I like the correct things for my age and station and dislike the correct things for my age and station. Thank you.

FYI

I am a lawyer, which means I am rich and respected and serious. I am a minister which means I was called by God and which also means I am very fulfilled and morally perfect and serious. I am a tenured history professor which I am very intelligent and have incredible job security and speak several dead languages and am serious. I am a wife and mother of three which means I am very loving and very loved and not self-involved and everyone trusts me and I am serious. I can understand if you find it difficult to relate to me, but I am a commited volunteer with Habitat for Humanity which means I can relate to anyone and am not racist, sexist, or ageist and additionally I do not raise my voice because I am serious. I look forward to working with you which means I am an asset to any organization and am serious because did you notice I said work. Thank you (which means I am polite and serious).

The Letter You Will Never Ever Ever Ever Ever Get

Hey [your name]—

I've been thinking about you. Ever since we broke up -- and even though I said the words, I know it was mutual -- I've had a lot of time to think. I pretty much just go to work and come home, kinda look around me and mull over everything. It's grim. I just - well, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I miss you. I miss you so much. I feel empty and alone (and please know, really, it's not just the sex or warm body or whatever - definitely not - it's something much, I don't know, deeper and harder to define). I really thought about our talks and that time I realized we can't be together (and I know you probably realized it before me). I guess what I'm trying to say, [your name] is that I'm no longer

o in love with my ex

o gay

o sleeping with someone else

o living too far away

o too religious

o anal

o culturally insensitive

o don't really like you

o a liar

o lazy

o can't keep a promise

o would rather ignore you

o have virulent STD

o want to talk about myself

o insecure

o annoying

o a vegetarian/not a vegetarian

o a drunk/a teatotaller

o obsessed with

o work

o masturbating

o tv

o shakespeare

o the wedding

o weight

o the internet

o videogames

o wrong for you

anymore. So, I'm trying to say I think our breakup was a mistake--MY mistake. How I could ever be so

o dumb

o backwards

o insensitive

o clueless

o crazy

, I have no idea. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. I am the happiest and the best when I'm with you and I know if you give me another chance, we'll never

o not have sex

o fight incessantly

o be passive aggressive

o hold a grudge

o insult each other's families

o cry

o be confused or scared

o secretly judge

o feel a dim, unwavering anxiety and tension

ever again. I'm sorry. I love you [your name]. Please please please please. Let's give it another try. Let's get back together.

All my heart, my soul, everything I am,

Love,

[name]

follow me on twitter.

Dramatic Poem Robot.

Anger

In Tittlebuck town everyone was always angry and very happy about being angry. The people of Tittlebuck town obvsioulsy enjoyed the fist pumping and clenching that came from constant anger. No one can argue that those aren't wonderful ways to spend the day. Also, being constantly angry meant they never had to stare at a blank wall or shift their weight from side to side thinking "what is there to do?" There is always something to do when you are full of anger. There is pacing and yelling and teeth grinding and ulcer farming. There is hitting and screaming and pounding. The list never ends. Also, everyone had to hurry to and fro because they needed to make sure that they got to tell all the various people and plants and animals and objects that they were angry at them. It was a wonderful way of living and a wonderful place to visit.

But then one day Mr. Hennypot (not the fat one or the tall one but the one with glasses. No, not the reading glasses, the all day all night glasses. Yes that one) gave birth to a tiny fat baby boy named Charlie. Charlie never cried. Charlie never yelled. Charlie just smiled and cooed and farted. He was very happy and this made everyone worried. Suddenly everyone in Tittlebuck town was worried instead of angry. This was confusing and stores closed down and the economy sank and their was general chaos. No one knew what to do with their fists or their teeth and occasionally people even stared blankly at the wall or shifted their weight. Everyone was sure the end was coming. Then Mr. Hennypot (yes, that Mr. Hennypot) had a wonderful idea. He took the fat happy farting baby to Yoberville where everyone was happy all the time. When he came back Mrs. Hennypot (you remember which one, right?) was very angry that he did this.

And thus life was back to normal.

LONG LIVE TITTLEBUCK!

The moral of this story is one should not shift their weight.

Moron

Is it possible that I could be a moron and know it?

Message from a Sculptor

I just wanted you people to realize that I am creating art and that the art I create has a name and should be discussed in that way. So when you say “thing” (which no one has, yes granted), that is dismissive and prejorative in my personal opinion. And My personal Opinion is what is important in art or otherwise I would do something like perform a service like work in a shelter or something or do some kind of a menial and silly task that anyone could do like sweeping or washing or something like that. Mechanic. But I am not so please term my work “the Cruicible of Disadvantage.” I realize that this is a distressing term, or well, I figure it must be since I am underlINING what some of you may consider and inconvenient and uncomfortably revealing situation which has befallen some of the people you crush beneath yourselves and so forth. However, I call it that. People call it “Sammy” and are calling me “Sammy’s Dad.” Now, yes, people say this smiling and I have gotten a number of free dinners and several sexual experiences based on the general overwhelmingly positive response to my work, but I would like you to know that is the CRUICIBLE OF DISADVANTAGE. I will not be calling it the “c of d” if that is something you would prefer to “Sammy” and I will not be calling it the “CRUICBLE” or just “DISADVANTAGE” because taken separately, these words mean separate things. And I appreciate that “We heart Sammy” t-shirts are all the rage in the city and that Dr. Allen Framewright is granting me a cabin in Michigan to use as another kind of a retreat and yes I can report that Barak Obama and the Obama family are very interesting and that Michelle Obama tells an amusing joke and perhaps I misled all of them with my unresponsiveness but I am not the person who created SAMMY, I am the person who created the CRUCIBLE OF DISADVANTAGE, not “THE CRUICIBLE OF DISADVANTAGE” COMMA “SAMMY” because that is NOT IT’S NAME.

 

This is my message to the world.

 

Yours truly,

Sculptor

Boing.

Two thoughts

a) I’m really enjoying my self denial I’m doing lately.

Oh really? I’m not letting myself enjoy it.

Well, that’s what I meant.

b) I feel that Facebook and Twitter is like passive partying for nerds. Particularly Facebook. And that if it were real life, you'd walk up to a person, they would be frozen like a mummy, and you would look at pictures of them as a baby, with their sexpartners, drunk, and look at all the things they say and all of their friends, and then push them in a closet. Then wait for someone to do it to you. O Facebook, you eat my mental thinking pie too much.

If I were a Barnacle

It would be like this.

This exists

Obviously

A real name

Chadderton Thornton. 

 A quote, from the New York Times: 

Xanthe Faulkner, 26, said her job as a sommelier in Vancouver, British Columbia, allowed her to see “how the economy drops a little more every day,” since customers increasingly opt for cheaper wines. She and her boyfriend, Chadderton Thornton, 29, camped along the way on the three-day drive, and their tastes matched Coachella’s eclecticism: by Saturday afternoon their two favorite shows had been put on by Leonard Cohen and P.O.S., an underground rapper from Minneapolis.

"Where are Xanthe and Chadderton?"

"Who cares. They are always late anyway, we should just order."

"Chadderton is sensitive."

"Man, Chadderton plays at sensitive, but he can be such a little bitch."

"You're too hard on Chadderton. He and Xanthe have been arguing."

"I'm sorry. I think I'm just tired or something."

"We'll get an appetizer. Chadderton likes onion rings."

"Okay."

"I love you."

"You love Chadderton."

"...yes."

We've always been this way!!!!!!

INFORMATION

Everyone to read the Art of Civilized Conversation and have that impressed upon children and PSAs run on television and there to be a facebook group and a common tattoo and a small inquisition that doesn't use actual physical torture but just torture of effigies that are chillingly like the person being tortured, except they are fantasy versions and have more sexualized physiques so the torture really hits home and people say "how can you do that to me I am so BEAUTIFUL!!!"

Perhaps that would backfire and they would rebel against it because they are too beautiful to be told what to do.

NEW PLAN:

To be able to slam the table with both hands and say:

"WHAT YOU ARE BEING. is a BORE."

when someone has talked about themselves for 20 minutes or not asked you a question in the past hour or yawned to fake like they are relaxed or when you realize they finally have something to talk about because you are talking about them and they are thinking, if you had to bet, "finally. This feels normal."

Also, this rule would be instated for all of my dim aquaintances for me, because then we could have a "WYABIAB" policy and then we could all weep and hold each other because we could finally be honest.

Several honest things that have felt like chains falling away when admitted:

I dislike Arrested Development.

It is fun to say homo.

My boobs are mostly foam.

Do you just want to be drunk and stoned and do a bunch of anal?

Thank you.

all of this applies to you

AMAZING THINGS I WILL DO

Please be aware that my life is about to change forever because:

I am no longer going to buy frozen garlic bread. Nope. Not going to do it. I will make it myself with fresh bread. I am not going to make the bread. Don't be crazy.

I will no longer use pasta sauce from a jar without adding fresh veggies. I am amazzzinnnnnggg.

A water pick will be a very big part of my night and morning.

National Geographic will be a very big part of my reading life.

Lipstick will always be on my lips.

I will call everyone "honey" and "sugar".

I will drive 20 miles less a week and save the planet. You are welcome.

beep boop

I have a favorite cactus. It is very tall and makes me son laugh.
I enjoy getting up when it is not dark out.
Adult braces are in my future. Adult braces almost sound like they are some sexual thing. Anything with the word adult sounds like that. Adult Acne. Adult porn.

I have been eating the same thing for lunch for the past week. A veggie sandwich with mayo (I used to hate mayo but then I got pregnant) and avocado. It is a pretend healthy item that is really very fatty.

People should clearly freak out when I say I have a child. They should go "but you are waaaaayyy to young! But you are waaayyyy to thin!". They should do this even though I am going to be 36 next month and still have 8 pounds to lose.

People should call me up and say "would you like to do commercial that will make you 60K and give you back your insurance?"

People should say "don't worry, here is a career you will love that is stable".

People should floss my teeth for me at night.

People should organize my closet.

People are falling short these days.

Reasons

1. Because it is writ

2. At 5:15 the train leaves

3. Becaues I am [age].

4. Last time that was attempted it didn't work

5. R

6. You have me mistaken for someone else

7. I don't want to.

8. I want to.

9. More than 6 will just be a disaster

10. The sunshine

11. The police

12. Whining

13. Sugar

14. Because I have to get three of each and one has to be a flag and the other two are optional

15. Because foreign currency doesn't feel like real money.

Elliot Angst

He sat still and solid, looking out, through rain streaked windows. It was 3:40 in the afternoon, technically, although by feeling it was the darkest, bleakest night of the soul. If there could be a time 6 hours later than 2 a.m., a little pocket before 2:01 a.m., this is where he would reside, with skeletons and lost elephants and empty, discarded skins. It is the stony grip of melancholy. Every weight pulled at him, at his jowls, at his pantlegs, along his forearms, inside his gullet. Suddenly, his eyebrows sprung to the middle section of his forehead, the bags under his eyes deepened and his eyeballs protruded 2 mm further. His jaw went lax. His nerves unknotted and fell to the ground like icicles after an earthquake. He was ready to launch his deepest worry, his freight train of angst, his quicksand of ponder, into the world, in a quiet way, with total loss of control. With blank eyes, muscle-less lips and no wind in his hair, he vaunted forth:

 

               “Dare I eat a peach?”

Mon Post

- Name 4 important words, explain their importance.
1. Paper Cup- this is two words, but together I believe it is the perfect word. It is my favorite word to say in th English language because it sounds so wonderful. Paper cup paper cup paper cup. And yes, The Beatles use it in one of my favorite songs the line is:
"Words are flying out like endless rain into a paper cup"
That is from "Across the Universe". I do like the phrase "endless rain" also, but paper cup is better because it is not sad at all.
2. Love- duh. Obvious. I need not explain.
3. Friend- a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard. - friends make life worth living. Being friends with other people is what keeps us from being assholes or killing everyone or just being and island. If someone says "you are my friend" it is great in the same way that the word love is great. The first time Wes says he has a friend I will probably cry and jump around.
4. Yes- duuuhhh. double duhhh because of improv. But it is true. Yes opens up doors and windows and makes things possible. Yes helps you live your life and enjoy things instead of just frowning and not leaving your house. Yes means something new is starting. Yes means dreams are coming true. Of course it can also just mean that you want fries with that.


- Look right, look down two feet, reach out with your left hand, describe what you touch.

A dirty Kleenex on the floor. I cheated and did not touch it. I am sitting at a coworkers desk who is both wonderful and also annoying. Said co-worker has bunch of dirty tissues on the floor. If I didn't cheat it would probably feel slimy and soft & wet. That is why I am not touching it.

- Name the date, time and year you will experience nirvana and what that will be like. It must be in the future.
Ohhhhhhhh. Good for you for saying future because otherwise I would have said "July 24, 2008 @ 9:25 AM" which is the minute after Wes was born. Was born? After I birthed Wes. It did not just "happen". Annnyyywaaayyyy I guess I could say April 7th 2064 at 7 AM. Because I willl turn 90 years old and die holding Jason's hand (he will die at the exact same moment) and all of our friends and children and grandchildren will be around smiling at us and then we will go to "heaven" which will be nirvana. It will be just like the garden and the mouse show in the movie "Corline" except it will be 100% good and not a bad trap. And it will not be stop motion puppets- it will be real. But that is the morbid version of nirvana. My earthly nirvana will be ........ January 2029. I will be in Hawaii with loved ones. The sun will start to set and whales will jump around in the ocean and everything will make sense.


- Be pompous about something.
April 7th 2064 at 7 AM. Because I willl turn 90 years old and die holding Jason's hand (he will die at the exact same moment) and all of our friends and children and grandchildren will be around smiling at us and then we will go to "heaven" which will be nirvana.

Assignment for Marion

- Name 4 important words, explain their importance.
- Look right, look down two feet, reach out with your left hand, describe what you touch.
- Name the date, time and year you will experience nirvana and what that will be like. It must be in the future.
- Be pompous about something.

Email Response From a Druid to an Applicant

Hi what’s up your brother said you wanted to talk to me about being a druid. That’s fine and everything but I hope he told you it takes 20 years and you can’t just like do it with no brain okay. You have to memorize 320 stories. And they aren’t little they’re long okay. And you have to be able to weave them together and make harmonies okay. That’s what they ask you to do and it is not easy and for example I am not yet a druid full out I am still in training which I think is crap but that is just my opinion and clearly no one else agrees okay or else I would be a full druid which is obvious. Also this is not an okay alphabet they don’t use this one. They use a stick and put marks on it that is their alphabet and you can’t say things like “that is stupid use letters” or “I have a better idea” because apparently after 20 years of learning stories you don’t want to hear that which I learned the hard way trust me. Don’t say stick there’s a name for it I can’t remember and you square it off. Anyway you can’t write things down if you thought “oh I can learn those stories fast I’ll write them down and then boom I am done I am a druid.” I tried that too okay and you can’t do it because if you study stories for 20 years and know how to harmonize then you don’t want to write them down which if you ask me is going to make us stagnate and then be irrelavent but again like I said after you are done studying you are not interested in this opinion which I have learned as I said previously. So anyway yeah there are a bunch of perks and no we are not savages etc like they want you to think but I can’t lie and say listening to stories is amazing and the old druids can be kind of facist for example getting mad for reasons I do not understand or feel pertain to my harmonization attempts and so forth but they are mad and teaching me the hard way which they really like to do. So yeah we all will be of one mind after 20 years which they really like but for example I am not the type of person who finds this of upmost importance but I am not you like your brother pointed out to me midway through our conversation regarding this so do what you feel yes there is ritual sex but I haven’t had any yet.

-Write a post about what your impression of Fresno CA is. I don't care if you have never been there.

 

I really like Fresno. It is fun and pretty, in a cowshit and fast food restaurant and bleak kind of no-terrain kind of way. I really like that it is so hot you feel like there is a weight on your chest. I liked how you get to say “oh God, we’re in stupid FRESNO again.” I like seeing how many things can be made out of iron, stucko and plastic, and I super enjoyed hearing trucks. It’s really fun to be in a kinda pass-through place. So I guess I’d say “neat neat neat neat!!!!!!”

 

- Pick some random choice you made at some random time in your life and write about how if you made a different choice everything would be different. 

 

I spent 3 weeks in Switzerland and took 3 weeks off in Indiana to reciprocally host my Swiss host-sister. I did not make abundantly sure it would be okay with my job. Therefore, I was fired. Therefore, I was not allowed to use a living history museum job as a reference or mention it on college applications. I merely buried my deep happiness at pretending for money that it was 1836, while maintaining the ability to use a modern toilet, until it festered and came out with people in tidal waves. Had I maintained this job, I would never have had to waitress, I could have become a better wood-stove cook, my college would be ivy league, I would be a history professor with two children (one with a repaired cleft pallette) in Goshen, Indiana, in a house I built myself and I would really be irritated with history people and wish somehow I could meet people who are more normal. I would still be musical to the same degree. I would be rude to service people and then immediately tell my co-diners a history fact and then they would have to one up me or sit in simmering rage at my innaccuracy and arrogance from building my own house and secret belief that I am probably Thoreau if I didn't have to teach bored undergrads things they hate. There would be a small library wing dedicated to me in the Conner Prairie library, however, that would stick in my craw as being far too small and not along the exact lines of my expertise, which is obviously Jacksonian English. This is something I would frequently bring up as something I don't care about or think about. I would insist on going to living history museums and loudly criticizing them to my family in the car on the way back to our hotel. So. Thank God that happened, or I would be an insufferable prig, and not just boring sometimes.

 

- make a list of the top 10 things you think I worry about. 

 

1. Your son
2. Your family
3. Your hair
4. Your job
5. Hollywood
6. Private lives of celebrities
7. Times of things
8. Nutritional Content of Foods
9. Exercise
10. If it is going to be like this forever and ever until you are dead.

To Megan

Dear Megan-

Please do the following:

-Write a post about what your impression of Fresno CA is. I don't care if you have never been there.

- Pick some random choice you made at some random time in your life and write about how if you made a different choice everything would be different. 

- make a list of the top 10 things you think I worry about. 

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

I don't feel that great maybe I should..

have a diet coke.

take a nap.

eat some candy.

tell someone that I am angry at them.

clean my room.

floss my teeth. 

quit my job.

run away.

be someone else who feels good. 

Things That Would Happen to Let Me Know I Am in Fact in A Ring of Hell

Jobs:

1. Overly excited, dishonest exercise instructor
2. Cruise Director
3. Naked Person

Situations:

1. Sitting next to a reactive, emotional someone, watching television with headphones in his/her ear, with bad sinuses
2. Sitting in laps of a group of old people with bad sinuses who complain
3. Quietly being told you hurt everyone’s feelings 2 months ago, but muttered so you don't know if you heard it
4. Entire, 100% absence of silence
5. Social ostrization because you refuse to listen to phlegm stories

Reasons I am just like the Pope

We are both human.
We are both alive.
We both like to wear hats.
We speak out of our mouths.
We both need to sleep and eat and go to the bathroom.
We both are getting older.
We both have a mom and a dad.

Reasons I am not like the Pope

I am not the head of the Catholic Church.

Reasons why I am more like the Pope than my cat

My cat is not a human.
My cat can not use language.
My cat poops and pees in a small box and then tracks litter all over our house.
My cat has four legs.

Reasons why I am more like my cat than the Pope

I am not the head of the Catholic Church.
I do not get driven around in a bullet proof box.

A List of Things to Be Realized

1. Parchment is animal skin, stretched.

2. In the middle ages, you got white paint from letting a bar of lead soak in dregs of wine and then sit in a dung-filled hut. The chemicals caused a reaction, which gave you white paint.

3. If you go to www.processing.org, you can learn how to create self-generating art with a computer.

4. There is a Center for the History of the Book in Edinburgh, Scotland.

5. In the 1400's, someone made a book on parchment for ladies to read. It consisted of a bunch of pictures and prayers. A few hundred years later, someone erased the genitals from the drawing of the naked Noah.

6. Asians are supposedly better at math because their language for numbers makes more sense. Instead of our "twenty" and "thirty," they have the logical equivalent of "two-ty" and "three-ty." I decided this is why the French are so much better at art, since they say "four-twenty" instead of 80.

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Provide us with the best creative outlet ever.

File our taxes.

Make you laugh and cry.

Make all other blogs feel like everything is going to be okay after all.

End Kate Hudson's movie career.

Fix the economy.

Clean my cat's litter box.

Educate the masses.

End product placement in all NBC shows.

Straighten my teeth.

Report Workers Comp fraud.

Save the dolphins- the team and the animal.