Elliot Angst

He sat still and solid, looking out, through rain streaked windows. It was 3:40 in the afternoon, technically, although by feeling it was the darkest, bleakest night of the soul. If there could be a time 6 hours later than 2 a.m., a little pocket before 2:01 a.m., this is where he would reside, with skeletons and lost elephants and empty, discarded skins. It is the stony grip of melancholy. Every weight pulled at him, at his jowls, at his pantlegs, along his forearms, inside his gullet. Suddenly, his eyebrows sprung to the middle section of his forehead, the bags under his eyes deepened and his eyeballs protruded 2 mm further. His jaw went lax. His nerves unknotted and fell to the ground like icicles after an earthquake. He was ready to launch his deepest worry, his freight train of angst, his quicksand of ponder, into the world, in a quiet way, with total loss of control. With blank eyes, muscle-less lips and no wind in his hair, he vaunted forth:

 

               “Dare I eat a peach?”

Mon Post

- Name 4 important words, explain their importance.
1. Paper Cup- this is two words, but together I believe it is the perfect word. It is my favorite word to say in th English language because it sounds so wonderful. Paper cup paper cup paper cup. And yes, The Beatles use it in one of my favorite songs the line is:
"Words are flying out like endless rain into a paper cup"
That is from "Across the Universe". I do like the phrase "endless rain" also, but paper cup is better because it is not sad at all.
2. Love- duh. Obvious. I need not explain.
3. Friend- a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard. - friends make life worth living. Being friends with other people is what keeps us from being assholes or killing everyone or just being and island. If someone says "you are my friend" it is great in the same way that the word love is great. The first time Wes says he has a friend I will probably cry and jump around.
4. Yes- duuuhhh. double duhhh because of improv. But it is true. Yes opens up doors and windows and makes things possible. Yes helps you live your life and enjoy things instead of just frowning and not leaving your house. Yes means something new is starting. Yes means dreams are coming true. Of course it can also just mean that you want fries with that.


- Look right, look down two feet, reach out with your left hand, describe what you touch.

A dirty Kleenex on the floor. I cheated and did not touch it. I am sitting at a coworkers desk who is both wonderful and also annoying. Said co-worker has bunch of dirty tissues on the floor. If I didn't cheat it would probably feel slimy and soft & wet. That is why I am not touching it.

- Name the date, time and year you will experience nirvana and what that will be like. It must be in the future.
Ohhhhhhhh. Good for you for saying future because otherwise I would have said "July 24, 2008 @ 9:25 AM" which is the minute after Wes was born. Was born? After I birthed Wes. It did not just "happen". Annnyyywaaayyyy I guess I could say April 7th 2064 at 7 AM. Because I willl turn 90 years old and die holding Jason's hand (he will die at the exact same moment) and all of our friends and children and grandchildren will be around smiling at us and then we will go to "heaven" which will be nirvana. It will be just like the garden and the mouse show in the movie "Corline" except it will be 100% good and not a bad trap. And it will not be stop motion puppets- it will be real. But that is the morbid version of nirvana. My earthly nirvana will be ........ January 2029. I will be in Hawaii with loved ones. The sun will start to set and whales will jump around in the ocean and everything will make sense.


- Be pompous about something.
April 7th 2064 at 7 AM. Because I willl turn 90 years old and die holding Jason's hand (he will die at the exact same moment) and all of our friends and children and grandchildren will be around smiling at us and then we will go to "heaven" which will be nirvana.

Assignment for Marion

- Name 4 important words, explain their importance.
- Look right, look down two feet, reach out with your left hand, describe what you touch.
- Name the date, time and year you will experience nirvana and what that will be like. It must be in the future.
- Be pompous about something.

Email Response From a Druid to an Applicant

Hi what’s up your brother said you wanted to talk to me about being a druid. That’s fine and everything but I hope he told you it takes 20 years and you can’t just like do it with no brain okay. You have to memorize 320 stories. And they aren’t little they’re long okay. And you have to be able to weave them together and make harmonies okay. That’s what they ask you to do and it is not easy and for example I am not yet a druid full out I am still in training which I think is crap but that is just my opinion and clearly no one else agrees okay or else I would be a full druid which is obvious. Also this is not an okay alphabet they don’t use this one. They use a stick and put marks on it that is their alphabet and you can’t say things like “that is stupid use letters” or “I have a better idea” because apparently after 20 years of learning stories you don’t want to hear that which I learned the hard way trust me. Don’t say stick there’s a name for it I can’t remember and you square it off. Anyway you can’t write things down if you thought “oh I can learn those stories fast I’ll write them down and then boom I am done I am a druid.” I tried that too okay and you can’t do it because if you study stories for 20 years and know how to harmonize then you don’t want to write them down which if you ask me is going to make us stagnate and then be irrelavent but again like I said after you are done studying you are not interested in this opinion which I have learned as I said previously. So anyway yeah there are a bunch of perks and no we are not savages etc like they want you to think but I can’t lie and say listening to stories is amazing and the old druids can be kind of facist for example getting mad for reasons I do not understand or feel pertain to my harmonization attempts and so forth but they are mad and teaching me the hard way which they really like to do. So yeah we all will be of one mind after 20 years which they really like but for example I am not the type of person who finds this of upmost importance but I am not you like your brother pointed out to me midway through our conversation regarding this so do what you feel yes there is ritual sex but I haven’t had any yet.

-Write a post about what your impression of Fresno CA is. I don't care if you have never been there.

 

I really like Fresno. It is fun and pretty, in a cowshit and fast food restaurant and bleak kind of no-terrain kind of way. I really like that it is so hot you feel like there is a weight on your chest. I liked how you get to say “oh God, we’re in stupid FRESNO again.” I like seeing how many things can be made out of iron, stucko and plastic, and I super enjoyed hearing trucks. It’s really fun to be in a kinda pass-through place. So I guess I’d say “neat neat neat neat!!!!!!”

 

- Pick some random choice you made at some random time in your life and write about how if you made a different choice everything would be different. 

 

I spent 3 weeks in Switzerland and took 3 weeks off in Indiana to reciprocally host my Swiss host-sister. I did not make abundantly sure it would be okay with my job. Therefore, I was fired. Therefore, I was not allowed to use a living history museum job as a reference or mention it on college applications. I merely buried my deep happiness at pretending for money that it was 1836, while maintaining the ability to use a modern toilet, until it festered and came out with people in tidal waves. Had I maintained this job, I would never have had to waitress, I could have become a better wood-stove cook, my college would be ivy league, I would be a history professor with two children (one with a repaired cleft pallette) in Goshen, Indiana, in a house I built myself and I would really be irritated with history people and wish somehow I could meet people who are more normal. I would still be musical to the same degree. I would be rude to service people and then immediately tell my co-diners a history fact and then they would have to one up me or sit in simmering rage at my innaccuracy and arrogance from building my own house and secret belief that I am probably Thoreau if I didn't have to teach bored undergrads things they hate. There would be a small library wing dedicated to me in the Conner Prairie library, however, that would stick in my craw as being far too small and not along the exact lines of my expertise, which is obviously Jacksonian English. This is something I would frequently bring up as something I don't care about or think about. I would insist on going to living history museums and loudly criticizing them to my family in the car on the way back to our hotel. So. Thank God that happened, or I would be an insufferable prig, and not just boring sometimes.

 

- make a list of the top 10 things you think I worry about. 

 

1. Your son
2. Your family
3. Your hair
4. Your job
5. Hollywood
6. Private lives of celebrities
7. Times of things
8. Nutritional Content of Foods
9. Exercise
10. If it is going to be like this forever and ever until you are dead.

To Megan

Dear Megan-

Please do the following:

-Write a post about what your impression of Fresno CA is. I don't care if you have never been there.

- Pick some random choice you made at some random time in your life and write about how if you made a different choice everything would be different. 

- make a list of the top 10 things you think I worry about. 

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

I don't feel that great maybe I should..

have a diet coke.

take a nap.

eat some candy.

tell someone that I am angry at them.

clean my room.

floss my teeth. 

quit my job.

run away.

be someone else who feels good. 

Things That Would Happen to Let Me Know I Am in Fact in A Ring of Hell

Jobs:

1. Overly excited, dishonest exercise instructor
2. Cruise Director
3. Naked Person

Situations:

1. Sitting next to a reactive, emotional someone, watching television with headphones in his/her ear, with bad sinuses
2. Sitting in laps of a group of old people with bad sinuses who complain
3. Quietly being told you hurt everyone’s feelings 2 months ago, but muttered so you don't know if you heard it
4. Entire, 100% absence of silence
5. Social ostrization because you refuse to listen to phlegm stories

Reasons I am just like the Pope

We are both human.
We are both alive.
We both like to wear hats.
We speak out of our mouths.
We both need to sleep and eat and go to the bathroom.
We both are getting older.
We both have a mom and a dad.

Reasons I am not like the Pope

I am not the head of the Catholic Church.

Reasons why I am more like the Pope than my cat

My cat is not a human.
My cat can not use language.
My cat poops and pees in a small box and then tracks litter all over our house.
My cat has four legs.

Reasons why I am more like my cat than the Pope

I am not the head of the Catholic Church.
I do not get driven around in a bullet proof box.

A List of Things to Be Realized

1. Parchment is animal skin, stretched.

2. In the middle ages, you got white paint from letting a bar of lead soak in dregs of wine and then sit in a dung-filled hut. The chemicals caused a reaction, which gave you white paint.

3. If you go to www.processing.org, you can learn how to create self-generating art with a computer.

4. There is a Center for the History of the Book in Edinburgh, Scotland.

5. In the 1400's, someone made a book on parchment for ladies to read. It consisted of a bunch of pictures and prayers. A few hundred years later, someone erased the genitals from the drawing of the naked Noah.

6. Asians are supposedly better at math because their language for numbers makes more sense. Instead of our "twenty" and "thirty," they have the logical equivalent of "two-ty" and "three-ty." I decided this is why the French are so much better at art, since they say "four-twenty" instead of 80.

BLOG!

This is an amazing blog that is going to change our lives and provide joy to all who read it. Really is is the most amazing blog ever. Here are some things this blog will do:

Provide us with the best creative outlet ever.

File our taxes.

Make you laugh and cry.

Make all other blogs feel like everything is going to be okay after all.

End Kate Hudson's movie career.

Fix the economy.

Clean my cat's litter box.

Educate the masses.

End product placement in all NBC shows.

Straighten my teeth.

Report Workers Comp fraud.

Save the dolphins- the team and the animal.