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- From Craig's List.

The Break Up

He thought he was dumping her but she said the words first. She thought he was going to propose to her but quickly realized it was going in the wrong direction and, being competitive, beat him to the punch line. He was confused. She was angry and confused. He looked at the ground and she imagined how she was going to call her friend and yell while drinking a glass of wine. Or can you call it a glass when it is over 8 ounces? He suddenly wished he hadn't opened up the can of "I don't love you" worms. She tried to think of everything hurtful she could say "I hope we can still be Face book Friends." "I hope you will still follow me on Twitter" " I'm guess I"m most upset that I can't borrow your brown sweater anymore" " I figured you would want to break up with me too since you could never please me sexually. Has that been a problem in all your relationships?" "Now my parents will stop worrying about my future."It worked perfectly. He was cut to the quick. With out realizing she had made it easier on him (he didn't have to take the blame for the break up and he now felt glad that he wasn't with such a bitch) and worse on herself (she ended a relationship when she was still in love with said male and she said lies that hurt said male). It was the break up. It was all wrong. It was not the end of any new beginning for her or weight lose program or freeing herself to meet Mr. right. It was just an ugly messy break up. If it had been a bone, say her femur, she would have needed to visit the OR before getting the cast on. Some doctor would have needed top stick the shattered bone back inside or maybe file down the rough points or stop the internal bleeding. Either way it was messy and would require a pretty massive copay.

When she went home the wine had gone bad and her friend wasn't home.

Well rounded

Did you ever notice how well rounded I am? Because, I mean, I am so well rounded that I just roll down the street if there is any sort of incline. I cant sit in a chair that is tilted because I'm so perfectly round. I have no hard edges at all anywhere. My interests are so diverse that everyone and everything can relate to me. I do not get stuck in a rut because I just roll right out.
You might think I'm a ball after all. I'm not. I'm just a really really well rounded person.

Ahem.

I refuse to admit to anything I like. Additionally: anything I dislike.

As far as we can all be concerned: I like the correct things for my age and station and dislike the correct things for my age and station. Thank you.

FYI

I am a lawyer, which means I am rich and respected and serious. I am a minister which means I was called by God and which also means I am very fulfilled and morally perfect and serious. I am a tenured history professor which I am very intelligent and have incredible job security and speak several dead languages and am serious. I am a wife and mother of three which means I am very loving and very loved and not self-involved and everyone trusts me and I am serious. I can understand if you find it difficult to relate to me, but I am a commited volunteer with Habitat for Humanity which means I can relate to anyone and am not racist, sexist, or ageist and additionally I do not raise my voice because I am serious. I look forward to working with you which means I am an asset to any organization and am serious because did you notice I said work. Thank you (which means I am polite and serious).

The Letter You Will Never Ever Ever Ever Ever Get

Hey [your name]—

I've been thinking about you. Ever since we broke up -- and even though I said the words, I know it was mutual -- I've had a lot of time to think. I pretty much just go to work and come home, kinda look around me and mull over everything. It's grim. I just - well, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I miss you. I miss you so much. I feel empty and alone (and please know, really, it's not just the sex or warm body or whatever - definitely not - it's something much, I don't know, deeper and harder to define). I really thought about our talks and that time I realized we can't be together (and I know you probably realized it before me). I guess what I'm trying to say, [your name] is that I'm no longer

o in love with my ex

o gay

o sleeping with someone else

o living too far away

o too religious

o anal

o culturally insensitive

o don't really like you

o a liar

o lazy

o can't keep a promise

o would rather ignore you

o have virulent STD

o want to talk about myself

o insecure

o annoying

o a vegetarian/not a vegetarian

o a drunk/a teatotaller

o obsessed with

o work

o masturbating

o tv

o shakespeare

o the wedding

o weight

o the internet

o videogames

o wrong for you

anymore. So, I'm trying to say I think our breakup was a mistake--MY mistake. How I could ever be so

o dumb

o backwards

o insensitive

o clueless

o crazy

, I have no idea. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. I am the happiest and the best when I'm with you and I know if you give me another chance, we'll never

o not have sex

o fight incessantly

o be passive aggressive

o hold a grudge

o insult each other's families

o cry

o be confused or scared

o secretly judge

o feel a dim, unwavering anxiety and tension

ever again. I'm sorry. I love you [your name]. Please please please please. Let's give it another try. Let's get back together.

All my heart, my soul, everything I am,

Love,

[name]

follow me on twitter.

Dramatic Poem Robot.